11 Reasons Men Leave Their Marriages
By Brittany Wong
Marriages don’t just fall apart overnight. They often end after months and years of both spouses trying to stick it out, firm in the belief that they can work out their issues and sustain their marriages.
Once it’s over, though, most divorcés can look back and pinpoint one exact moment — one overblown argument or one instance where their spouse showed his or her true colors — that should have signaled to them that the marriage was damaged beyond repair.
On Tuesday, divorced men on Reddit shared the moment they realized their relationship didn’t stand a chance. See some of the most interesting responses below.
1. When he got tired of her outbursts.
“I had a car accident. Lost my job. I was still depressed about family member passing away. My wife decides she really wants a gold watch that costs $999. I tell her I can’t afford to spend money on something like that in our current situation. She shuts herself in the bathroom to cry. That was the first time I didn’t react to that tactics. She comes out few hours later and asks me outright if I want a divorce. That wasn’t even on my mind until that point, but that was the moment I knew.”
2. When the trust was gone.
“It was when I caught myself photographing street signs on my 25-minute journey home from work so that there would be a timestamp of the entire route to disprove constant accusations that I was cheating on her… After that, I just left.”
3. When his wife became a glorified roommate.
“The last year together we felt more like roommates than lovers. She stopped being interested in spending time with me, we stopped showering together and began sleeping at opposite times. She was generally unhappy all of the time. I really wanted to salvage the marriage, but I knew it was over when she finally told me that she just didn’t love me.”
4. When the math didn’t add up.
“Came home from a seven-month deployment overseas to find a five-month pregnant wife. I’m no mathematician but I figured that one out.”
5. When he was suffering from depression and she laughed it off.
“I was telling her about how depressed and hopeless I was feeling. I described it partially as an existential crisis. She laughed at me. She literally laughed in my face regarding my pain. That was the day I realized I didn’t really matter to her.”
6. When he realized she didn’t believe in his dreams.
“Five years ago, I told her I wanted to get out of the military and study to become a doctor. She’s a scientist but she acted like it was the most ridiculous thing I could ever try to do. Her exact words were, ‘You can’t just decide to be a doctor.’ Imagine researching and thinking about something for an entire year and then telling your best friend your hopes and dreams and they just look at you like you’re silly … I started med school four weeks ago. I’m not bitter but she’s going to be really f*cking surprised if she ever decides to do some Google stalking.”
7. When he disagreed with her on how they’d raise their future children.
“When my wife stated that any children we had would be homeschooled by her (she never graduated high school) and weren’t going to get vaccinations. This was non-negotiable. I was young at the time and honestly, it never occurred to me until we had that discussion how much it meant to me. I (naively) figured it was a given.”
8. When he became indifferent to the cheating.
“The precise moment was a few months ago when her long and frequent infidelities stopped making me furious. The anger switched off and I realized, it’s finally over, thank God. I can now plan the end of this toxic marriage.”
9. When he decided to put his daughter first.
“My second wife and I got along great, but over time the relationship she had with my daughter from a previous marriage got worse and worse. I tried not to blame her; she just wasn’t ready to be a mom to someone else’s child. It was hard to accept that, though. We tried counseling briefly but she felt counseling was for ‘crazy people and she [wasn’t] crazy.’ Eventually, my daughter and I left. I hoped she would change her mind and decide to work things out with us, but it didn’t happen. I had to do what was right for my daughter even if it hurt.”
10. When he realized that having hobbies of his own was off-limits.
“My ex and I were watching ‘Knocked Up.’ It came to the scene where the wife is tracking the husband down to catch him while he was ‘cheating.’ Turns out, he had just snuck off to go to a baseball draft. My ex turned to me and said, ‘See how terrible and selfish he is for sneaking around like that?’ I looked at her and said, ‘See how terrible she is for oppressing his hobbies and dreams so much that he has to resort to sneaking around in order to enjoy them?’ I realized right then that she’d done that to me. She had oppressed me, chained me with guilt over my hobbies being immature and childish. She guilt-tripped me because my hobbies took time away from her. Meanwhile, she would never take up any hobbies or interests of her own despite me encouraging her.”
11. When he had the commute from hell and she didn’t care.
“I had to work late one dark winter night, missed my regular train, took a loooong bus and had to walk home a couple of miles from the bus stop in the freezing cold. She couldn’t be bothered to come pick me up because she didn’t want to leave her yoga class early. It had been 20 years of bad stuff, but that was the night I decided it was over. She realized what she had done later, but it was too late then.”
Divorcing after 50: The financial hazards
By Jeanie Ahn
Breaking up is hard to do no matter when it happens. But getting divorced later in life can be especially traumatic, both emotionally and financially.
There are now more divorcées over the age of 50 than ever before. In 1990, just one in 10 people who got divorced was over 50; today, it’s one in four, according to “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” an analysis of federal statistics conducted by researchers at Bowling Green State University.
For this age group, some of the biggest challenges include divvying up accumulated assets and learning how to take control of their finances, often for the first time.
Lisa Baio, 53, was married for 27 years but knew she wanted to get divorced when her fourth child, Jade, now 19, was a toddler. Jade was born with a bone disease that requires special medical care, and Baio, who devotes much of her time to her daughter’s caretaking, felt she wouldn’t be able to support her children on her own. So she waited to divorce until her husband retired so she could collect part of his pension.
“The long wait to get divorced was difficult because I kept thinking, ‘When am I going to have a chance to do what I want to do?’ However, the responsibilities of having children don’t end just because you want something,” Baio told Yahoo Finance.
Despite mounting credit card debt and filing for bankruptcy in 2004, Baio did what she could to financially prepare for the eventual split. “Throughout the marriage I was trying to play catch-up and he was spending,” said Baio. Three years ago — at age 50 — she was finally ready to file for divorce.
Baio is one of an increasing number of baby boomers doing so. More than 600,000 Americans 50 and older got divorced in 2010, compared to about 200,000 in 1990.
Certified estate planner Jean Ann Dorrell says getting a divorce later in life requires dealing with situations that you don’t have to think about when you’re younger: Who gets the house? How will retirement plans get split? How will a divorce impact your future Social Security benefits?
Here are her tips on how to handle the most challenging money issues in a later-in-life divorce:
1) Avoid tax penalties when splitting up assets
Longer-married couples have typically built up substantial savings in several retirement plans. And unless a careful analysis is done, important provisions and the value of various retirement plans may be overlooked.
To split up some assets, a divorcing couple will need a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) issued by a judge, which changes or splits up the ownership of a retirement plan to give a divorced spouse his or her share of the asset. QDROs should protect both spouses from tax penalties when retirement funds are transferred from one to another.
2) Real estate: Who gets the house?
The house is often a source of emotional attachment — for both husband and wife — with neither wanting to give it up. But financial factors — like continuing to pay off the mortgage if there is one and upkeep — should be considered when it comes to this asset. It may make more sense to sell the house, pull out the equity and buy something smaller, Dorrell says. Or consider a reverse mortgage to make it financially possible to keep the house.
3) Be knowledgeable about debt
Full disclosure about all debts and assets is crucial. The best thing you can do is get a credit report on both of you. Credit reports are updated regularly, so it would be good to keep checking on it before the divorce is finalized. Your divorce attorney should be able to help give each spouse the other’s debt information and make a plan to get the debt taken care of, Dorrell says.
4) Plan for gaps in health insurance
If you are currently covered by your spouse’s health insurance through a family policy, you may face a gap in coverage until Medicare kicks in at age 65. One option is to purchase coverage through the health insurance marketplace; since the passage of the Affordable Care Act, insurers are not allowed to charge higher rates for people with pre-existing conditions, and subsidies can make insurance even more affordable. Another option is COBRA, a continuation of your employer’s group plan for up to 36 months; with COBRA you can receive the same coverage you had when you were married, but it is expensive. Perhaps a last-resort option, Dorrell says, is to consider legal separation instead of a divorce if neither of those alternatives are affordable.
5) Social Security benefits
It’s important for divorcing couples to remember that you can collect your ex-spouse’s Social Security benefits. If your marriage lasted 10 years or more and you’re 62 or older, you can collect retirement benefits on your former spouse’s Social Security record (if you’re unmarried), and it won’t impact your former spouse’s benefits, Dorrell says.
You may be eligible to draw benefits of up to 50% of your former spouse’s benefit. Check out the Social Security Administration’s website for more information about filing for benefits if you’re divorced.
The 5 Most Annoying Lies About Dating After Divorce
Written by Adriana Velez on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir
When you start all over after a divorce, you get a lot of misinformation about what’s out there and what you deserve. After I split with my husband of 16 years I was almost certain I’d just spend the rest of my life single. I was ready for that. And it’s because of everything I was hearing about dating and relationships after divorce. I have to say, the landscape looked treacherous from where I stood. But maybe I was listening to the wrong voices? It turns out, when it comes to finding love again after divorce, it’s not as complicated or difficult as you’d think. Forget the unhelpful noise you hear — like these five bits of popular wisdom.
1. You’re damaged goods. Something about surviving a bad relationship makes people feel less lovable, for some reason. The stigma of divorce is fading (finally, thank goodness!) but it’s still hard to shake that feeling that you deserve less. But that’s bunk. You are a survivor, and you deserve good love. Period.
Instead, consider your experience and what you have to offer your “social price,” a term professor of economics Dr. David Anderson coined to describe how we perceive our value in a relationship. “The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price.”
2. It’s slim pickings out there. That’s what I hear all the time, especially from my single friends. And to a certain extent, they’re right. Dysfunctional man-baby knuckleheads abound. But there are also men who are kind and mature; They’ve had the same kinds of ups and downs in love that all of us have, and that’s why they’re still single.
3. Time is running out. Just after I split with my husband I felt this pressure, like I had just a couple years left of being attractive before I hit my old hag years. That’s bananas. I mean, I should have more faith in my ability to age well. But that aside, this isn’t a race. The men my age are getting older, too. We’re aging together. And you need to let things unfold in their own time or risk making a hasty mistake: The rebound relationship.
4. You’re going to ruin your new relationship with your old baggage. You’re not — if you’ve done the work and are paying attention. Be present in the moment so you can be aware of old patterns of thinking or feeling creeping in. Remember you’re dealing with a new person, not your ex. Also, everyone has baggage, not just divorced people.
5. A new relationship will make you whole again. It won’t. You need to find out how to be
a whole person on your own, first, before you find a new person to love. You can’t use a new relationship to heal from the last one.
What’s the most surprising thing you learned about finding love after divorce?
George Zimmerman’s Wife Says He Is ‘Selfish,’ Feels ‘Invincible’
George Zimmerman’s wife says she doesn’t know the man she’s been married to for almost seven years and doesn’t think she “ever really knew him at all.”
In an exclusive interview with ABC News shortly after her attorney filed for divorce from the Florida man acquitted in the death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, Shellie Zimmerman said she is left with a shattered life.
“I stood by my husband through everything and I kind of feel like he left me with a bunch of broken glass that I’m supposed to now assemble and make a life…It’s just heartbreaking,” she said.
Shellie Zimmerman, 26, stood by her husband throughout the ordeal that began on Feb. 26, 2012 when her husband shot and killed the unarmed teenager and came to an end when a Florida jury acquitted him of murder in July.
But less than two months later, she filed for divorce.
“I have a selfish husband. And I think George is all about George,” she said.
She claims that at times he was verbally abusive and hurt her “emotionally, but never physical.”
“I think I’m realizing that I have been married to a person for almost seven years, and I don’t think that I ever really knew him at all,” Shellie Zimmerman said.
Shellie Zimmerman said her husband is not only driving too fast, referencing the two incidents in which her husband has been pulled over for speeding recently, but also living too fast since his acquittal.
She says he spent maybe three or four nights at their home with her before she moved out in mid-August. She says she believes the not guilty verdict has left her husband feeling “invincible” and since then has been “making some reckless decisions.”
She is asking for “equitable distribution” of their assets including anything her husband might gain from a defamation suit he has filed against NBC as well as equal share of their debts. She is also seeking sole custody of their two dogs. According to the financial disclosure form, she said she is unemployed and listed her monthly expenses as $755. Since they separated George Zimmerman has given her $4,300 for living expenses and the source of funds appears to be his legal defense fund.
George Zimmerman’s legal team told ABC News there would be no comment on the divorce filing. George Zimmerman’s brother Robert tweeted “Pray for them.”
Last week Shellie Zimmerman pled guilty to perjury for lying about the couples’ finances when the judge was initially setting bail for her husband. After a judge handed her 100 hours of community service and a year’s probation, Zimmerman told ABC News last week that she did not know if she would stay married.
Now, she says she is making the decision to cut ties in an effort to leave the drama that has taken over her life since that fateful night in February 2012 behind.
One Man's Opinion 