I read an article about commitment and one of the opening sentences made me pause, the writer Dr. Gail Gross said the following …”Many years ago, I had an acquaintance who was engaged to a young woman for five years, but the time was never right for marriage. Then one day, he was walking down the street and bumped into a friend, who introduced him to someone new. Within five months, he married that person.”
I paused and re read the sentence again engaged to a young woman for 5 years??? Way too long for my taste. Someone wanted to get married during that time right? Otherwise what’s the point to getting engaged? Or did I miss something? 6 months to a year should be a good enough time to be engaged a date is set and a wedding is being planned. BUt what if if it takes too long to get a commitment what should you do? The first thing I thought about after the 5 years is that at somepoint there were redflags that one or both saw and chose to ignore thinking that things will change. Well if they haven’t changed by this point they weren’t going to change. Commitment is a funny word to some people and to others it is the start of something that determines the success or failure of a relationship. One of the first things I asked when I was looking for soomeone to date I asked what were they looking for in a relationship, were they looking for a relationship and did they want to be in a committed relationship. Based on their answers I figured out if this was something I wanted to purse or bail out now. It was a different approach for me …normally I just went with the flow of the relationship. Not this time, I looked for someone who was looking for the same thing as me …
I got one answer that was honest, the lady paused when I asked her what kind of relationship she was looking for, she said You know I’m really not sure, I haven’t given it lot of thought.
Needless to say the conversation was short lived but she was honest and I appreciated that. I know it sounds to simple but you have a gut feeling that you know if you want to commit to someone or not at somepoint sooner than 5 years sooner than 3 years and in many cases we know when we meet someone if they are the person we want and will commit to. Why do I say that? Because it takes us less time to commit to buyiing a home a car atake out student loans that will tie up out finances for years on end and we take less time on deciding on a great job. So why when it comes to relationship we get into these long tern engagements that we both know aren’t going to end in marriage? I know feeling play alot into it, but because they do we need to be sure we are on the same page with each other. Ask your partner what is it that they want out of this relationship. Sometimes the things we want at the beginning are not twhat we need to keep us whole. But 5 years engaged ???wow that’s just too much for me.
I knew someone that was in a commited relationship with a woman he was my boss at the time and they spent alot of time together eventually they moved in together. She wanted to get married, he really wasn’t big on it which was a way of saying no he didn’t. At that point she should have ended there. But she stayed and he finally did pop the question she said yes…they started making plans,her father died so that slowed things to a crawl but she still wanted to get things rolling. Yet he kept making excuses…guess what? You guessed it they broke up. With in a few months he was married to someone else.
We do it all the time, and we don’t realize it. We make that same mistake over and over and over again. No matter what. We compare past relationships to the current one we are in. In one sense it is human nature to do that compare see if we truly traded up to do better in a relationship, but by doing that we miss out on something else. We miss out on truly enjoying the beginnings of what could be a strong and lasting relationship, by comparing it is as if we are dooming it from the start. We try subconsciencously to rush it along as it were to get to the point where we left off in the previous relationship and not have to start all over again in getting to know someone. I am beginning to understand that the fun this time around is in the starting over, with a clean slate, with getting to know the little things about someone, the subtle things, the things they don’t say with words but in actions and in how they touch you. You learn that there are nice differences in each relationship that can make you feel good.
I am learning to enjoy those subtle yet telling things, the timing of a person’s sense of humor from making someone too serious, the touch of a person’s hand, feeling the passion flow in them. Knowing that someone is really interested in spending time with you just as much as you are with them.
Fight the urge to compare, in the long run you will enjoy the relationship you are currently in much more and who knows it may turn to be the one that will be yours for the rest of your life.
When I started writing this personal blog it was with the intent to learn more about myself and as a consequnce share myself openly with the reader. Then the Jodi Arias murder trial took over, followed by the Aaron Hernandez and George Zimmerman thing go crazy. So I went with it. Now it’s back to me again. Back when I started this, it was the idea that I would be on a self discovery journey, a journey through life but this time through a different lens, and in a way I didn’t see things before. I would share my experiences with my battle with my son and bipolar, there is so much that I could tell you alot I did share and alot time wouldn’t allow to completely share, that one day I may continue to share. Through out this time I had been a relationship with an amazing woman, a woman to be honest I wasn’t ready for when I met her. In so many ways she was everything to me. She ultimayely was the one who pointed out to me that I didn’t need to change who I was, it was important to know who I was and she challenged me to find the man I am. If I thought I knew…I was wrong so wrong. I was the man everyone else wanted me to be, I wasn’t the true me. Yet she skillfully showed me that person. Our relationship ended late September after two years, yet we remain friends. I hurt not being able to be in that relationship but I finally understood what it is I need to be …More, more of me the true me the me I am to be. With out her I would have continued to sprial out of control in a personal and emotional kind of way. I would have lost …me. I was on the way to doing just that and didn’t realize that. So that brings me to the here and now. I am no longer in a relationship and I am on my quest to find my one and only. The next love of my life that will not be in front of me or behind me but at my side. And while I am on my journey to find that special someone …I am going to remember to continue to be me continue to be more because I am more.