So is arguing a healthy thing for a relationship? Or is it something that can ruin a relationship or is balance needed when discussing things that we may not see eye to eye on? That was the question posed at the end of my last post on this subject . If you have to yell, scream , point fingers at the other person, then no it isn’t healthy for either party both health wise and emotionally. It was later in my first marriage that I realized the yelling wasn’t working so I would say…why are you yelling, just to calm the mood or I would talk softer to show the contrast of how we were at that point. We both felt very strongly about some things, which was fine if they were important but on other things that were not…well it was easy to see it was time to give up the fight. Some people would rather fight and feel they are at least communicating than not to say nothing at all. In my case eventually we stopped arguing because we stopped talking or at least talking about us and we talked about the bills, the kids, the job, etc. But what was missing was we stopped talking about the most important thing …us. Or at least I did. The arguing took it’s toll for me because she would go all out straight for the jugular and make it personal and I resented it.
There is nothing wrong with having a difference of opinion, and no two people will see eye to eye on everything but there should always be dignity and respect for each other and each other’s feelings. After all we chose this person and they chose us to be with and we saw enough good in them and they in us to believe we can make a go of a good relationship, so don’t call that person stupid or say that was dumb…what does that say about you? You are with them. Aren’t you better than that? Aren’t they better than that? If you don’t agree it’s easier to say I don’t agree with what you are saying but I respect your feelings on the subject. Maybe I need some time to think it over more to see your point more from your point of view. That alone will disarm the tension and leave room for understanding on both sides.
Respect your spouse’s feelings and they will respect yours. Some things run deeper with one than the other so the need for respect is greater. When two people insist on their way or insist on being right then no one wins and both lose and the relationship becomes resentful. If you find yourself getting worked up, stop take a time out even say…look let’s take a break and cool off and then come back together and calmly talk this out. In time your spouse will have no choice but to comply and respect you for truly putting forth the effort to maintain the dignity and respect of the relationship.