Is It Healthy to Argue? Part 2

So is arguing a healthy thing for a relationship? Or is it something that can ruin a relationship or is balance needed when discussing things that we may not see eye to eye on? That was the question posed at the end of my last post on this subject .  If you have to yell, scream , point fingers at the other person, then no it isn’t healthy for either party both health wise and emotionally. It was later in my first marriage that I realized the yelling wasn’t working so I would say…why are you yelling, just to calm the mood or I would talk softer to show the contrast of how we were at that point. We both felt very strongly about some things, which was fine if they were important but on other things that were not…well it was easy to see it was time to give up the fight.  Some people would rather fight and feel they are at least communicating than not to say nothing at all. In my case eventually we stopped arguing because we stopped talking or at least talking about us and we talked about the bills, the kids, the job, etc. But what was missing was we stopped talking about the most important thing …us. Or at least I did. The arguing took it’s toll for me because she would go all out straight for the jugular and make it personal and I resented it.

There is nothing wrong with having a difference of opinion, and no two people will see eye to eye on everything but there should always be dignity and respect for each other and each other’s feelings. After all we chose this person and they chose us to be with and we saw enough good in them and they in us to believe we can make a go of a good relationship, so don’t call that person stupid or say that was dumb…what does that say about you? You are with them. Aren’t you better than that?  Aren’t they better than that? If you don’t agree it’s easier to say I don’t agree with what you are saying but I respect your feelings on the subject. Maybe I need some time to think it over more to see your point more from your point of view. That alone will disarm the tension and leave room for understanding on both sides.

Respect your spouse’s feelings and they will respect yours. Some things run deeper with one than the other so the need for respect is greater. When two people insist on their way or insist on being right then no one wins and both lose and the relationship becomes resentful. If you find yourself getting worked up, stop take a time out even say…look let’s take a break and cool off and then come back together and calmly talk this out. In time your spouse will have no choice but to comply and respect you for truly putting forth the effort to maintain the dignity and respect of the relationship.

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13 responses

  1. Sadly, it’s never a given that just because you respect someone, they will respect you…even in a marriage. Nor will they adapt to fighting “fair” just because you attempt to engage them that way or put in the effort to do so. Obviously when that happens, your married to the wrong person and either have to decide to stay or go. But it’s a tough thing to live with while you’re there. Fighting in and of itself is not a bad thing so long as the end goal for both parties is compromise and finding resolution, not “winning.”

    1. How did you know that was my ex wife …fighting fair was not her thing and toward the end the fights were more and more below the belt which didn’t endear me to her ….in a way it is what ended our marriage.

  2. I figured you were talking about your ex-wife because you mentioned “later in my first marriage” in your post. However, in my comment, I was talking in general, and more to the point, I was speaking from personal experience. You can’t force someone to respect you or to communicate (even in a fight) in a meaningful and helpful way. And you just have to decide whether it’s worth putting up with or not.

    1. So true. One of the first things that was on my list of things I was looking for when I was dating this time around was how we got along, if we argued (we didn’t) and when things get rocky how they respond …as you can see things are much smoother this time around than in the past. You make a valid point about someone respecting you if they don’t it will show itself usually in a ugly fight.

  3. This fighting thing is something new for me. Me and my husband did fight at our first years together, but then we found a balance and hardly had a fight. Now, the paradigm have changed: we had a kid (it was one of our biggest dreams, and it was planned). Now we are fighting again, like never before. Our fights aren’t ugly, they have a lot of silences in between and just the necessary dialogues are spared (though we still say things we don’t want or feel). The next day, we usually are best friends again. I believe this happens because our whole life changed and we still don’t really know how to be ourselves. It also have brought some hidden demons that we need to take care of.

    Now, I have a question for you that may seem stupid. What do you mean by ‘talking about us’? Is it the goals, the dreams, the passions, the plans?

    This was a good post, thanks for sharing.

    Have a great day,

    Nícia ❤

    1. Great question, shows you really read the post lol. Each couple is more than just mom and dad or two people working to pay bills. When you and your husband first got together you were you and I, the polite would you like to go to the movies with me you and I , then it became …we then when you got married you became us. You talk especially before the kids come , you do things that are us related or have dreams about us doing things together…in my first marriage once we stopped talking about us the couple and started headlining all the other issues like the bills the kids the jobs the us stopped and the marriage became routine. Us is what makes each relationship shine makes it special you never want to lose that over time.

      1. Thank you for the advice. 🙂 Yes, I always read it to the end. When I make a comment it is because I really enjoyed what I read and/or get something valuable out of it. Not just to get a new visitor or follower. 🙂

        I liked your last sentence: “Us is what each relationship shine makes it special”. I’ll take that into consideration and maybe start dating my husband. By the way, we’re not married, we “just” live together (which, for me, is the same).

      2. oops I made an assumption …I apologize

      3. Any likelihood of there being a wedding ?

      4. No, we’ve been together for 12 years now, our kid will celebrate his first year next month. 🙂 We don’t feel the need of it. We have our own pact. 😀

    2. be careful with the silences between fights it could be potential red flag of something stewing below the surface.

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